Kiwi mothers trading prescribed meds amid mental health crisis

“When people think of illicit drug use they often think about partying and recreational drugs,” Helm says.

“But what we know is that people use drugs for a lot of different reasons, including self-medication and because of unmet health needs. This is true of both illicit drugs like cannabis and methamphetamine, and medicines that aren’t being used as prescribed.

“The biggest risk if people are taking medicines that they haven’t been prescribed is they won’t necessarily have all of the health, dosage and harm reduction information that they need to keep them safe.

“They also might not know about how those medicines could interact with other substances they are taking.

“Ultimately these issues speak to the need to make primary care affordable and accessible. It’s important that mothers are able to have open and honest conversations with their health practitioners about any non-prescribed use of medicines and substances without being labelled a ‘drug seeker’.”

If people are taking medicines they haven’t been prescribed, the foundation recommends they access harm reduction information such as on thelevel.org.nz.

Here’s what it’s like for the Kiwi mothers who shared their stories.

‘We use a ride share app’s package delivery service – disguising the pills in envelopes’

Rosie*, 29, student

I’ve been a patient under the mental health system for a decade. I suffer from anxiety, panic disorder and PTSD. As my doctors are well aware of how much I struggle, I’ve never had any difficulty obtaining Benzos (benzodiazepine) as I think they trust me to take them sparingly – only when I really need them.

But there’s been a few occasions on weekends where I’ve run out and desperately needed them. The last time I ran out was on a Saturday morning. I called my GP but the clinic was closed, the mental health crisis line wouldn’t give me a prescription and neither would the White Cross. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit in a hospital waiting room for hours on end in the state I was in – shaking and vomiting from the panic – so I messaged a girl on Instagram who had occasionally alluded to having anxiety in her posts.

Thankfully she offered me some of her clonazepam, and my husband went and picked it up from her house – as I was beyond driving. I was so grateful to her and would go on to give her Benzos when she ran out too.

A few months ago, I was in the throes of trying to complete my thesis and struggling enormously to focus and get it done before the deadline. I’ve always had trouble completing tasks – particularly lengthy ones, and often leave them until the last possible minute.

At the time a friend with ADHD told me she thought I definitely had ADHD too as I displayed lots of the symptoms, but wait lists to see psychiatrists – even privately – for testing and diagnoses are upwards of a year long.

So, my friend gave me some of her dexamphetamine and it made me feel normal for the first time in my life. I felt like I was finally awake, I could focus and my mind was clear. I got the thesis done in record time. But then I ran out of the pills and now I knew what it was to feel normal – I couldn’t go back to how I felt before.

I tracked down friends of friends who I knew had ADHD and they supplied me with more Dexy. But when those stashes ran out too, I began taking cocaine to try and replicate that focused feeling that the ADHD meds had given me.

I’ve recently managed to get a diagnosis and prescription from a private psychiatrist. It cost $850 which I really couldn’t afford – but I knew it was worth it to have pills of my own, not be scrounging round trying to find “dealers.”

I’m part of a WhatsApp group with other mums around Auckland who often struggle to get the pills they need in a crisis. Sometimes we trade benzos or sleeping pills, but also sometimes it’s antibiotics when someone can’t get to an after-hours clinic – especially because it’s too hard dragging kids out in the middle of the night.

We drop them off to each other’s houses or sometimes use a ride share app’s package delivery service – disguising the pills in things like vitamin containers or even boxes of mints. The last clonazepam a friend sent me was taped to the back of a sale and purchase agreement Ietter inside a brown envelope.

I don’t care that it’s illegal. I feel like the mental health system has backed us into a corner. If we don’t help each other, who will?

‘Benzos can be impossible to get – I’ll always help out a friend in a bind’

Phoebe*, 37, marketing professional

I had severe anxiety when I was in my early 20s and living overseas. I passed out on the street one day after too many late nights and not enough eating, and that triggered paranoia around ever leaving the house or being alone.

A few months later I had a massive panic attack while visiting my mum and was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder and put on citalopram. I was on it only a few months but that stint did the trick – although in hindsight I can see that I did a lot of self-medicating with alcohol through my 20s, which led to its own set of issues.

When I was 26, I was also diagnosed with ADHD.

I was the classic case of someone who had a lot of potential but couldn’t seem to get their shit together. Lots of bouncing around jobs, wild career pivots, irresponsible behaviour, poor self-esteem and general messiness.

I went on Ritalin but hated it so didn’t try meds again until the Covid lockdown — this time dexamphetamine, which worked a lot better for me.

Even though I am formally diagnosed I have a complex relationship with that diagnosis and vacillate between believing I have it – and wondering whether it’s actually maladaptive behaviours stemming from childhood trauma.

Unfortunately, my decade-long relationship couldn’t survive the intense newborn period and I left my daughter’s father when she was three months old. While it was the right decision it created a lot of stress and anxiety (on top of the general stress of caring for a baby) and as a result I’ve periodically been prescribed lorazepam.

Last Easter I had a mental breakdown. I was in the thick of a separation, sleep regression, dealing with breastfeeding issues and a minor but stressful health issue with my baby. I have no family support nearby and the support from my ex was lacking.

It just all came crashing down one morning and I started crying and just could not stop — I was hysterical and felt like I was drowning with no-one coming to save me.

I ended up calling my postpartum midwife (who I hadn’t been in the care of for months) and she referred me to maternal mental health, but by the time I heard back from them I’d calmed down so they didn’t deem my situation serious enough to require a hospital stay.

I do think that was the right call but at the time I was like ‘damn, how bad does it have to be?’.

Lorazepam – which I take for anxiety – or any benzo for that matter, is extremely hard to get prescribed and I can only get four pills every two or so months. Luckily I still have a low tolerance and only take a quarter at a time when I absolutely need to take the edge off in order to sleep, but it’s still stressful having to ask for them and feeling like I have to play it cool to not come across as a drug seeker.

Because I’m breastfeeding, I also always get a lecture on not taking them if I’m feeding even though that’s quite outdated advice, especially at the extremely low dose I take.

Just knowing I have the pills on hand helps a lot. If I’m struggling to sleep, I remind myself that I can always take a dose if I need to and often that’s enough to help me drift off.

In the early newborn days, I had a friend drop me a lorazepam one day when I was really struggling. And I recently gave a lorazepam to a mum friend in a bind. If you’ve ever been in a desperate anxiety situation you will know the immense relief of someone pulling through with help.

Probably the scariest aspect of being a mother – for me anyway – is the weight of the responsibility. Knowing that you are IT for this baby and feeling like you can’t afford to crack under the pressure… but like who is coming to help?

It’s intense and there’s a wider conversation to be had around who is caring for the mothers. Something that should be happening well before they get to breaking point. In that context I’m always willing to help a fellow mum out in any way I can.

I’m in full support of the underground pill-swapping market – because our mental health system is not great as we all know.

The only issue is scarcity. Most of my friends only have limited access to these medications themselves.

And it’s a travesty that people aren’t able to access anti-anxiety meds at after-hours clinics, especially when you are a parent as some of the hardest times mentally are the weekends and long nights.

I also think there needs to be more publicly funded practical and mental health support for new mums. There is a real gap there where it might not be a life-or-death situation but mum is tired, stressed, hormonal, maybe lacking family support – but can’t afford the luxury of a night nanny, cleaner, ready-made meals etc.

It’s really hard to access support unless you beg for it and/or have the connections to be pointed in the right direction.

‘I stock up on anything I can get my hands on’

Georgia*, 33, stay-at-home mum

I have a history of depression that I’ve treated on and off over the years with medication. The first time I took meds was about eight years ago, when I was prescribed escitalopram. It helped me immensely. But when I went travelling, I stopped taking it and didn’t feel I needed it anymore.

Fast forward to 2022, six months after the birth of my first child, I felt my mood plummet.

My GP and I didn’t feel it was post-natal depression, but that it was certainly worth nipping in the bud. I definitely couldn’t afford to have crippling depression while looking after a small baby.

I was put on sertraline, but it really mucked me around. I experienced feelings of dissociation and put on a lot of weight. So, I tapered off and haven’t been on any medication since then. I’ve been managing without, for now.

I do however suffer from insomnia which triggers anxiety around sleep, especially now I have a five-month-old. I lay awake at night so anxious about getting enough sleep while I can.

To try and help me nod off I’ve been prescribed zopiclone, lorazepam, amitriptyline, melatonin and most recently quetiapine. It has been a trial-and-error process of working out the best medication that will work for me.

While I was pregnant it was a minefield with taking medication as a lot of prescription medication isn’t heavily trialled on pregnant people.

I ended up taking melatonin and I got some Unisom (doxylamine) from Amazon as it’s not wildly available here and phenergan which is a sleepy antihistamine. I did sometimes worry about all the meds I took while pregnant but ultimately it came down to a risk/benefit assessment.

My doctor is really helpful, and makes me feel heard. She understands I need the meds to help me get as much sleep as I can get while I have a young baby – as well as a history of depression which sleep deprivation would likely exacerbate. But she’s also working on a long-term plan which includes a sleep therapist.

But in the past, I’ve had a harder time getting lorazepam for my bouts of anxiety – and I always feel awkward asking for more. But I’ve learnt you have to be quite forward and assertive about what you need and how badly the issue is affecting you.

Sometimes I get sleeping pills off my friends and family members – and whenever I go to Asia, I stock up on anything I can get my hands on that might help with sleep or anxiety.

And if I have a friend suffering anxiety I’ll give them zopiclones and lorazepam if they can’t get hold of any.

I know an underground “swapping market” is fairly controversial but I have a number of friends who aren’t getting the medication they need from their doctors.

While my doctor gives me the help I need and will always give a prescription to tide me over if I’m stuck – I know not everyone has the same experience.

*Names have been changed

Drug Addiction and Mental Health Help

Where to get help:

• Lifeline: Call 0800 543 354 or text 4357 (HELP) (available 24/7)

• Suicide Crisis Helpline: Call 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO) (available 24/7)

• Youth services: (06) 3555 906

• Youthline: Call 0800 376 633 or text 234

• What’s Up: Call 0800 942 8787 (11am to 11pm) or webchat (11am to 10.30pm)

• Depression helpline: Call 0800 111 757 or text 4202 (available 24/7)

• Helpline: Need to talk? Call or text 1737

• Aoake te Rā (Bereaved by Suicide Service): Call 0800 000 053

• 0800 METH HELP (0800 6384 4357)

• Alcohol Drug Helpline (Phone 0800 787 797 or text 8681)

• They also have a Māori line on 0800 787 798 and a Pasifika line on 0800 787 799

If it is an emergency and you feel like you or someone else is at risk, call 111.